thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
