Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize