can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Randomize
