hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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