Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
