I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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