i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Randomize
