guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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