If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
