He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Randomize
