Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
FUCK WHALES
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
