Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
