i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Randomize
