I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
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