I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
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