New low: just hacked my moms facebook
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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