What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
