a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
