you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize