I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
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