my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
