He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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