My friends, they love my intelligence
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Randomize
