he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Randomize
