remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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