Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
