I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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