I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
