question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
