I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
