Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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