Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Randomize
