peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Randomize
