this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
