Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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