I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
