My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
