this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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