this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
