Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
