I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize