i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
