I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
He passed out mid-signature
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
