So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Randomize
