I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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