this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize