I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
