Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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