yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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