Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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