So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
