Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize