i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
