Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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