you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
