I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
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