Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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