I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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