would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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