i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
