Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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