That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
