I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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