Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
