Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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