my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
