i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
