Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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