do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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