I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
