I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
This is my gift to your gina
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Randomize
