capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
So much rum. So many feels.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
